The Value of Singleness Once You Marry

Well, it's been a while... I've been getting certifications, re-opening my tea business (www.teazerts.com - shameless plug), meeting people through meetup.com, going on great trips, attending my son's college graduation and somewhere in the middle, The Victorious Single - GOT MARRIED! I wasn't expecting it to happen when it did, but it did and I've been married to my very best friend for over a year now...

Now of course, the obvious happens when you are no longer single/unmarried. You have an available and constant companion. You now share dreams, as well as have dreams of your own that will benefit the family (and of course the WORLD)! You realize the sacrifices you must make for the strength and health of the relationship and you make them, sometimes gritting your teeth. But at the end of each day, if it ends in a kiss and loving glances, YOU WIN! There are values of singleness that you bring into marriage though, if you made singleness work in a healthy way. You bring in self-worth, so your partner doesn't have to work too hard to validate you every day. When he says you're beautiful, it's not to boost your self-esteem and make you secure, but to just appreciate who you are. When you disagree, it's not taken or meant as a personal attack, because you are two healthy and conscious people, who want to not just survive, but thrive and add value to each other.

I'm so glad I had over 18 years without marriage, raising my son and planning my life. Being found by and choosing a husband that really loves me, in the right ways and who I can cheer for and celebrate reciprocally, is an awesome gift and well worth the wait. Especially because I was too busy living to realize that it was time for his arrival.

I will blog from time to time, because I am still the biggest advocate for living single victoriously. Any other way is just criminal. Love you.

On BEING Complete

When I look out my window today, a day that would be considered cold in Georgia is what I see. I've heard the wind blowing throughout the night and although it is warm inside, I think of how cold it is for those having to venture out or live in such frigid temperatures. I've been doing a lot of thinking, planning, writing, reading... while on medical leave for an hysterectomy. I've also asked myself some very important, but not pressing questions. Am I wrong to be content as my life is today? The easy answer is, "Of course not!" And scripture supports this truth. But it's amazing how society shapes a perfect box that EVERY person should fit into or they will be considered INCOMPLETE.

Let me tell you, I have had little and I have had much. I have traveled just enough to know what's outside my comfort zone and to know I will do even more as life affords. In my mind, I have begun the processes of planning my life, packed with solid 3-5 year goals and long term financial and relocation goals... I really feel like a grown up. As I near age 50, in a little more than 2 years, I am shedding the pressures of needing the people around me to applaud my accomplishments. I have had all the "stuff" I have ever wanted, now what? For the first time I can actively seek my purpose in others' lives. What is it in me that God had in mind for others? How can I be a value to those around me? Not to be lauded or applauded, but to just share freely, even if no one even knows.

Relationships (family, friends, romantic...) take work and attention and above all, commitment. I have wonderful relationships, now. I can finally say that I have no forced relationships today -- those relationships that you know are a struggle to maintain and there is little if any value added on either end. When peace is your goal, it will become clearer who is or should be a part of the equation. I am gradually weeding out the "have tos" of my life. Some "have tos" will interchange or evolve, but some are unnecessary. My relationships are so much richer, especially with my son and old friends.

I live a full life and I really can't name an empty space. I finally see that I don't have to feel guilty about feeling content with my life. I'm still doing great things like attending conferences, getting certifications, taking classes... I'm baking and cooking more... With everything going on, the one thing I will say absolutely... I will always stay open to life, God's purpose and promises fulfilled. And in the course of it all, I remain COMPLETE.

BE Who You Are...

This installment is very near and dear to me as a mother of two chicks who have just made their first foray into the WORLD. Both are full-time college students, both are taking intelligent risks and failing occasionally, but learning the truth about resiliency. They both have been given a foundation, coming from totally different beginnings -- one born three months premature, the other spending far too many years in foster care. My children who are now adults, know the love of God and family and it shows in how compassionate they are to those who need it most.

I think they are closer to living their best lives than I ever was at their ages. I'd like to think I had something to do with that, but ultimately I think it is more the path that God made for each of them. We all have the choice to stay on that divine path or detour occasionally, sometimes suffering the consequences. Truthfully, there are no surprises. We wake each day and we decide much of what leads to our daily outcomes - good or bad. Life is full of opportunities, sometimes minute-by-minute to make not just good choices, but God choices -- Those choices that will guide us to purpose; the answers to the WHYs of our lives.

For many years I was trapped; maybe in a cocoon of sorts. Many things happened in my life to cause me to want to be liked and accepted. Wanting to say the right things always -- Never ever to offend anyone with telling them the truth. Those thoughts by themselves are not harmful or far-fetched. But coupled together with an unhealthy concept of God and religion... *my Christian friends' antennas just went up - chuckle* I was so religious at a point in my life that I negated all that Jesus taught in his short life. I ruled myself with an iron fist and beat myself up for considering enjoying anything outside the four walls of the church. I love God, I serve a risen Savior in Jesus the Christ - Yeshua and I love God's creation - not just the Christian ones.

Before I professed the Lord, Jesus, I spent a good deal of time around people of various ethnic backgrounds/cultures. I tried different foods, listened to different genres of music, visited wonderful places... I experienced great pains and even greater achievements and victories. The path that I have traveled can not have been for NOTHING at all! A few years ago, I began to feel the cocoon crack.

I left a job I hated and started my own company. I can not tell you how liberating that was. The old me would never have considered such a thing. I was always a scared bird who talked big, but did little to change things when I was unhappy; hence the gastrointestinal issues I later suffered. Now some would say... "That's not true." Yes, I have made some life choices that some would consider "daring," long before quitting my job, but I always quivered inside -- hoping that my decision would not be too hurtful and believing deep down that SOMEONE was really disappointed in my decision.

I have come to learn and embrace that every experience and lesson, every victory, every failure and misstep, every gain and loss, every appreciation AND disappointment has all been combined to form a big loving pot of ME. And there is always enough of me to go around, as long as I don't serve up TOO much. As long as I'm truly LIVING life, I will never be empty. Abundant life is restorative and healthy. That may or may not extend to health in my body, as everyone has a day/hour to leave this life. But while I am here, I am going to BE all of ME. My relationships are more genuine and richer -- I pray to see purpose in those I encounter. Being me doesn't give me license or even extra time to critique everyone in the world. The best of us doesn't have to be harmful or unkind to be truthful (that's often pain speaking), nor do we have to permit others to inflict or deflect their pain on us. Be HONEST, know LOVE, give LOVE and BE YOU. Hope this helps someone. Remember God's faithfulness.

Love and the Single Woman

To date or not to date... As humans it's quite natural to long for companionship. The longing itself is far from harmful, but often we allow ourselves to be guided by the longing. Scrreeeech! Let's stop right here for a minute! Why in the world would you be screening applicants when you haven't quite finished developing the business plan? Simply put, you may not be ready for a companion... yet!

How fulfilled are you? Does having a man or woman in your life signify fulfillment? If so, quit that! LOL! I don't mean to make light of loneliness. Who hasn't felt lonely at some point in life? The goal is not to LIVE lonely. LIVING lonely is no LIFE at all. Some time ago, over 16 years ago really, I decided to divorce my 1st and only husband so far. I get questions all the time about how it is I am "still single". "What's wrong with you???" That's my favorite! *smirk*

I have dated a bit and even been engaged, but I do it with my eyes wide open. I have come to admire women who have remained single and fulfilled for any length of time. Not because marriage is a bad thing; quite the contrary... Marriage is beautiful when two people really "get it." But lop-sided love is way too prevalent in our society and some people refuse to be a part of that club. *hand raised* Being single has given me the "opportunity" to be a focused and engaged mom to my two children. I have also been emotionally free to love-on and care for my ailing mom until the moment she transitioned last year. My friendships have greater depth and value. My father and I have grown even closer. God is not just some fictional character in a book for me; I value people and myself through my spiritual growth.

Having God in my life has taught me and continues to teach me LOVE. The more I love myself the less cynical I am. And believe me I use to be one of the biggest cynics I know. I use to think every good that was done was questionable. My UNSOLICITED opinion was all that mattered, but yours was interesting... LOL! Don't get me wrong... I'm still opinionated, but today it's easier to allow love -- love of GOD, love of SELF, and love of OTHERS (pretty much in that order) to guide what opinions I share and how I share them. And I realized that I DECIDE who enters the inner circle - the most vulnerable place.

Love of self is how I guide my decision making and daily choices. God taught me how to love myself and that is a precious gift, because I didn't always love ME and it showed in every area. My focus now is finishing my book and being a success in all that God allows me to put my hands to, including my businesses and projects. Love of self has given me fulfillment. Now if in the course of living this life, God brings a man who knows how to love... I will receive him with open arms, literally! As you focus on fulfillment, love inevitably comes in various forms. #LoveonYourself #LoveonOthers #GodIsLove

Find Your Peace...

I haven't blogged for a while because I have been sooooooo involved in family needs and quite honestly there was little room for ME. I have no regrets about the hand that was dealt me, as I know that ultimately God's plan for me is multi-faceted and the journey has been great; replete with bumps and bruises. I lost my mom last October, after a long battle with kidney failure and congestive heart failure. Every moment she suffered in the end felt like someone was gently squeezing life out of me too. My mom was both my daily laugh buddy and "contender in the ring." We battled hard, but laughed harder. I knew my mom loved me and wanted my success, at times more than her own. I relied on her to just BE THERE and to HEAR me and she never let me down. I wrestled with her for years because I wanted her to WANT to live, but her body was breaking down and it was taking her strength in every way imaginable. My son and I just couldn't grasp how this giant of a woman could be whittling away before our eyes. I think we were both in serious denial until the very end.

I worked to protect my son from the seriousness and made sure that we went to spend quality time with her. At that same time he was finishing his senior year of high school and wanting to finish well. As many of you know, my son has had many academic challenges, due in part to being born three months early. 1 lb/14 ozs at birth, he overcame many of his challenges, but still struggles with spacial issues. His junior year he miraculously developed his own methods to become victorious in studying, so I was finally able to rest in that area...

One thing that was constant for me is that I realized that there were times that I had to set aside, no matter how small, to breathe and thank God for what was my TRUTH. Yes, situations may go wrong... Yes, you may have presumably fallen off track... Yes, outside forces like family matters, may be in disrepair. But we have to rest in knowing we are doing what we can and we have to trust God to be God... Not just in OUR lives, but in the lives of those we touch everyday. There is no peace in trying to be God for people. Love yourself and others, pray for yourself and others and do what gives you peace, not pressure. Pray also that God will show you how to know the difference. I pray this message gives someone RELEASE AND RELIEF.

Fun, Where Art Thou???

Greetings all! Now that my child is preparing to graduate and head to college, I'm forced into self-analysis. What on earth will I do with myself? What will my life be like now? Raising my child has been my primary focus for 18 years. Yes, I have gotten away here and there, but I'm actually embarrassed to say how few times I have planned a trip or any other leisure activity just for me. So... I know I need to make some adjustments.

I'm sure there are many of us who have lived the same life. Making sure everyone else is living a fulfilled life, while we "exist". I proclaim that it's time to be intentional about finding our "fun." Is there anything you use to do that you've trained yourself not to miss? Maybe you use to go to concerts or bowling. Maybe you use to write stories or go dancing. Maybe you should start with bingo or plan a trip. Fun... fun... are you at dinner with a few friends? Are you in a cooking class or could you possibly be in a brand new hobby?

Some of us wouldn't recognize fun because we've never really met. Might take a bit of courage. You may even need to recruit a buddy or two.

It's time to begin to explore. I know it's time for me. So let's do it.

The Fire Starter - The Price of Anger

You know, as the self-dubbed "Queen of Self-Reflection and Analysis," I have to say I really had a bad day recently. The day itself went okay, but... Let's just say that it didn't end in a way that I would be proud if I was being secretly taped. Now people who know me intimately, would tell you that I don't use explitives when I'm angered, but I have to say, what I DIDN'T say verbally THIS DAY was better kept inside!

When leaving the office, I turned to put my purse in the back seat and pulled SOMETHING in my back! Ok... Being a woman of a "certain age" I have gotten use to the tremors of change that happen once you "crossover" into the land of 40+, but this was certainly at least a 4.7 on the richter pain scale. I had little choice but to proceed on my with my drive home and I honestly was feeling sorry for the anticipated ungracious drivers and those who would dare to cut me off this day. All I could think was "God help them, because I am not THE ONE today!" And of course, the seldom courteous, tailgating, under-the-limit-in-the-fast-lane, Atlanta drivers did not let me down. There was a point when I was in such pain that I had to begin to coach myself and finally to pray...

I knew when I got home that my son would not be expecting "this WOMAN." Nor would he deserve the potential venom if God-forbid, I came home to a dirty kitchen or unfinished chores and any other number of options that could turn up the fire on my already boiling kettle. See, I remember well from less mature days, if I hadn't decided to meditate and pray, THAT WOMAN, would have been looking for something, anything to unload about. How many of us have been that person?

Learning how to diffuse, what could be disastrous outcomes for unsuspecting loved ones and even strangers, is very important to living life victoriously. Identifying our pressure points and triggers helps in this process. We all know what those triggers are, but often don't consider the long-term cost of not taking the necessary steps to control them. A kind, but new cashier at the grocery store, a shopper who accidentally bumps into you at the shoe store, a spouse, roommate, son or daughter who forgets one of your RULES, does not deserve a high impact attack, because you refused to diffuse. It is a decision.

We have no idea really who we are dealing with on a daily basis and the lasting effect our random angry outbursts can have on a person and honestly it is very selfish not to consider this. The cashier could have special needs or could be considering suicide. The shopper, could have recently lost a husband or child tragically... Learning to see each person through eyes of mutual compassion is perpetual -- moment by moment, especially if you have a history of self-absorption. I think we all do. We start out that way as babies, but there comes a point when we should realize that our behaviors and life choices affect everyone around us -- whether we want them to or not. It's all a part of God's plan.

For those who struggle with rushes to judgement and anger, allow me to share a few scriptures that have been a great help to me - print a couple and keep them in your pocket/purse to reflect on in those times...


Proverbs 16:32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Proverbs 19:11 A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.

James 1:19 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

Remember that the intention of our words or deeds, even when we are disappointed or angry, should never be to do harm or destroy. Think first, pray first and always check your motives. As a parent, not wanting to raise an angry or fearful child, I remind myself regularly of these prinicples and it really makes the difference. Rumor has it, it works in marriages too. Thanks for stopping by.

The Homebody Escape

Greetings all! I pray that this week's blog finds you living the fullest life imaginable. Now... Let's get to it. There are as many singles lifestyles out here, as there are singles. Some of us hop on a plane and meet up with friends/family several times each year. Some keep their social interactions local and have every weekend booked in advance. We have others who are very active in religious and community organizations on the weekends. And then there are the "homebodies."

For years I was a self-proclaimed homebody. It's really great that homebodies like hanging out with themselves, but in some cases it's a form of protection and place of safety. I, like many homebodies, built a fortress of solitude around myself. No one could get in to harm me. I knew that I too had all of my weekends booked in advance. I had a date every Friday and Saturday night with ME. And afterall, what is so horrible about that! I'm a pretty great person -- I'm smart, attractive, reasonable and I have a great sense of humor, right? People like me and search me out for advice and encouragement. Well... So what?! Really, so? Other people need to experience the "greatness" of you, don't you think? I hope so.

The joy of life is that we aren't the only living beings. We have to set aside our apprehensions long enough share ourselves and grow with others. The world is a huge place and yes the thought of what could happen can be overwelming, but life can only be an adventure if we make it one. And believe me there are few, if any, opportunities for adventure and journal worthy experiences in your livingroom with the remote or in a book. Books are great, but those are someone else's adventures. It's time to have your own.

What's one of the best ways to meet new people and not have to worry about "working the room?" VOLUNTEERISM. Start there. Find a cause you are interested in and contact the local offices to find out how you can help. The possibilities and opportunities are endless. You may meet some really great people and if nothing else, you release yourself from captivity. Start getting involved in activities at your church, something you like -- If you don't like it and it becomes more of a chore, than a time of sharing, then you'll quit and this may send you back to the fortress.

Another good thing to do is to visit your local "happenings" site. Add a few things to your calendar and pay particular attention to the FREE events. If you are like me and have very few nearby friends, FREE events in your city/county are ideal outings. Attend one or two each month.

Listen... This particular blog is for me as much as the next homebody. I'm getting out more than ever before, but I know I could do more. Remember, ABUNDANT LIFE exists outside our four walls and most often outside our comfort zone. Let's broaden our horizons and watch our territories extend as well.

See you next time! And invite singles you know to follow my blog!

Ex is Short for Exit

Why do we keep reconciling with ex-boyfriends, girlfriends? Is it laziness, loneliness, lack of vision, lack of confidence, convenience? Victorious singleness never begins for some, because of our unwillingness to LET GO. Letting go is not an option, but a necessity. Let's discuss several scenarios...

Boy meets girl. Boy is smart, accomplished, but insecure. Boy has abandonment issues, but as long as girl is available to boy when needed, boy is fun and cooperative, maybe even chivalrous. Girl must speak when spoken to. Boy is in complete control, then one day girl voices her opinion, that is contrary to that of boy. Argument ensues. These patterns continue and become progressively worse. Boy begins to tell girl that she's not who he thought she was and begins to lose interest, avoid calls and finally declares the relationship is over. Over the months that follow girls goes on, dates, but can't seem to meet anyone who is as fun as boy was. Almost on cue boy sends random text message, then leaves a voicemail. Girl finally responds and before long, the cycle begins again. Problem is, boy still has abandonment and control issues and girl still has opinions and dreams that make her less accessible. We can see how this story will end.

Scenario two... Boy meets girl. Girl is a successful professional, no nonsense. Has a child from a previous relationship and really would like to be married and have a "father figure" for her daughter. Girl is constantly reminding boy that she wants to be married and she can relax, but she expects boy to "fit" into her preconceived ideal. Boy expresses several times to girl that he doesn't want to be managed and that she's beautiful and smart and a pretty cool person, but she needs to relax and girl says that boy is obviously not serious about her. She considers him weak and decides to break up. A year later boy and girl see each other at an event, sparks fly and they start seeing each other again. Chemistry does not mean compatible and the two quickly realize why they broke up in the first place.

Scenario three... Boy meets girl. They date for a while, no major disagreements or disappointments. Neither has been to the other's home or met any personal friends or family. After about 8 months, boy receives a call on his cell from girl's best friend. Best friend is trying to plan a surprise party for girl and wants to include boy in the planning. Boy and best friend exchange numbers and begin having conversations that continue even after the surprise party. Calls lead to meetings, that turn into a relationship, that becomes even more "involved" than boy and girl's relationship. Girl finds out and breaks up with boy and best friend. Boy is very apologetic, but gives up trying to win girl back. But two years later boy begins to send girl flowers and cards begging for forgiveness. Girl begins to see boy again, forgetting the little "character and integrity" issues. The signs begin to appear again and she still never gets to meet his friends/family...

There are various other interchangeable possible scenarios, but the primary missing piece to each of these scenarios is FRIENDSHIP. When two people become friends, they will be protective of the friendship. Friendship is based on truth and love -- at least the best friendships are.

When relationships end, the ending should be respected. Consider the ending to be a pass to the entry way to finding out more about yourself and what you need in your life related to friends and potential mates. Assess the wrong turns and bad decisions on everyone's part and commit to NOT making those turns or decisions again. It is a mistake to be intimate at any level, with strangers. Establish your levels of privacy and intimacy and post a sign that says "No Strangers Allowed". Remember the key elements for the start of every relationship -- it should begin with the goal of friendship -- TRUTH and LOVE.

The Meeting of a Lifetime

Ok, so here we are at installment 12 in this series. I've taken a break for a while to assess where I am, versus where I'd like to go with this whole blogging thing and really, I like this direction. My goal is to bring about not just a chuckle or two nor to just remind singles of the "red flags" in dating, but to reintroduce us to ourselves.

With the hustle and bustle of life we tend to lose ourselves and become comfortable with allowing our lives to live us, instead of the other way around. Sometimes we are almost in a daze, as if abducted by aliens, wandering around doing whatever our schedules dictate, as if we have no say. Well I rose early this morning with the expressed intention of reminding you that you most certainly do have "a say." Beginning today, beginning now. But first...

Allow me to assist in the formal introduction... (say this out loud) "Me, I'd like you to meet Myself, and I." Now that THAT's over with, we can relax and be "ourselves." Of all the things we are to so many people (family, friends, co-workers, business associates and complete strangers)we must remember to pause and reacquaint ourselves with those things that we "said" were important. Those things we said we would do, seek out, experience, to add value to our lives. Sure being in the right place, with the right people is valuable, but if we represent the "product," are we truly as well put together as our packaging suggests? Or... are we a jumbled mess, just barely gathering enough of ourselves everyday to keep up the facade?

Every now and then, I decide that in order for me to keep loving myself, even liking myself, I need that TIME. If you are like me, you don't just "happen" upon this time, you have to be deliberate, intentional and even schedule it if necessary. Maybe record your favorite shows and use that time to go to a designated space, it could be a room at home, your bath tub, a walk in the neighborhood, maybe even a wi-fi spot or the library. Doesn't matter where, as long as it affords you the time and space to embrace yourself and give yourself that much needed attention. External maintenance is good, but it is the internal maintenance that will sustain you when the inevitable external challenges and obstacles appear.

During this "me" time you can explore what we've identified in earlier posts and ask yourself questions. Hey, maybe your perspective has changed. Maybe you'll find that you have grown in areas you hadn't imagined. Maybe you'll identify some areas that need to be "handled" before they overtake you and ruin your life plans. It is even more possible that you will recognize that you still remember who you really are and that your plans just needed to be pulled out of storage and "dusted off." That idea is still a great idea, that dream is still attainable and God's promises are still TRUE. Finally, remember to invite and get reacquainted with your Creator at these "get-togethers". The reward of courage,wisdom and truth will be great.

Let's talk VALUE

Here we are at our 11th installment of this victorious living journey. You know... What I write about is geared to motivate and encourage singles, for sure. But really, it's for EVERYONE. All of us have our strengths and giftings; many of which are birthed out of our life experiences. Somewhere along the line, I got shot with the arrow of "victorious living". And if you have been reading earlier blogs, you know that my journey has been very "interesting," but a blessing all the same. If you ask me, I'll talk about it, but I waste very little time with unsolicited chatter.

Sure I love telling jokes and chiming in on the topic of the moment, but one thing I've learned is that "talkers" like myself, get the best value out of intentional listening. What we have to say may be very important, but if talking becomes more important to you than listening, it's just as if you are pouring precious stones off a cliff. Moments to share our "wisdom" avail themselves, but we should seek out the opportunities to listen. Listening to learn, not to prove wrong or right.

Sometimes talking can be a diversionary tactic. Have you ever met someone who seems to never stop talking? Sometimes talking constantly about superficial things or other people's problems, makes it less likely that people will really notice our pain or short comings. Not realizing that if we stop talking and begin to listen more, that healing comes from what is poured into to us. We can select what is poured into us by the way. Our movie, music , motivational media preferences and even conversations we participate in are our choice and can really make a difference in the value added to our lives, each day.

What are you listening to? What are you talking about? Is there value? Do you select your words so that even in correction, they are adding value? Or... Are you hoping the phone will ring with more idle gossip, so you don't have to focus on the areas of your life that need growth and healing? One serious sign of growth for a talker is when the phone rings less and less. Many of us are talkers because God needs our words and personalities to promote growth and make a positive change and difference in the lives of others. Start interrupting the stream of negative talk and valuless conversations -- either by turning the conversation positive, if you can or totally changing the conversation. Be the light. Add value.

Sometimes even saying nothing in a converation can end it quickly -- especially if you are a key contributor. But it is most important that your words become valuable to you and that as you begin to make "speaking life" a necessity in your life, more LIFE will be spoken into you. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." Proverbs 18:21. And Jesus said "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34b This explains why and how we can be so badly wounded with words.

The words you speak (write) can be a weapon, but can also be rewarding, encouraging, healing, comforting and finally they can ADD VALUE. Guard your words and choose them carefully, but remember to LISTEN.

Who do YOU say that I am...

Greetings ALL! Here we are at our 10th installment. It is my prayer that this blog is beneficial in helping all of us,to continue on the path to victory. People and things will never "complete" us. It was a clever line in the movie Jerry McGuire, but really "being complete" is an ongoing process -- a constant replenishment that results from quality life choices and healthy decisions.

It's really great to have a sense of who we are and communicate that to people verbally. But the sense of who we are may not be who those we encounter, really see or experience. If we were to fill out a questionnaire, we might say we are confident, resilient, adventurous, perilous, ambitious, thoughtful, a giver... All of those can be great qualities to have and portray and even at first glance, many in your circle would agree, but what happens when they get to KNOW you?

We most often display for others who we would like to be, especially with those we only have a brief encounter. The healthiest and most life-changing encounters will emerge from our purest relationships. Facades are very short lived, because at some point midnight will come and the coach with six horses returns to its purest and true state of being -- a pumpkin and six mice. How often have we realized, especially when dating or forming new friendships, that the person we met initially seems to have morphed into some unseemly character that we would never have dated or befriended had we known upfront what lies beneath?

An absence in integrity has many offspring. Integrity begins with self-analysis and an occasional polling of those in our inner circle. Who do I say that I am, versus who do strangers say that I am, versus who do those I love and who love me, say that I am? We get this model from Jesus in Matthew 13:16-20. The disciples were Jesus' inner circle and his first question was "Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?" "Men" represents strangers, passersby, those in our community, who do not know us intimately. The disciples shot off all the things, titles, names that they heard "people" use to describe Jesus. Then Jesus went in deeper to ask the question, "Who do YOU say that I am?" You see they walked with Jesus, traveled with him, slept under the same roof and learned from him. They knew him INTIMATELY. So the answer to this question would be a direct reflection of all that had been invested, beyond what is seen on the "surface."

It is sooooo much more difficult to keep up a facade, then to actually do the work and make the commitment to grow and improve. Facades are for instant gratification and special agendas and very often have disappointing outcomes. Pleasing men is not the goal -- your purpose is fulfilled in seeking to please God and facades don't work with God, so why bother?

Surrounding ourselves with people who are willing and ready to love us as we grow and lovingly remind us of our goal/purpose, is very valuable. If we have to continuously maintain a false sense of "self" in order to have friends or dates, where's the genuineness in that? How does that contribute to purpose or living our lives with joy and peace?

If you want to grow and stay the course in reaching your physical, emotional and spiritual goals, ask for help from those who love you. If you don't have ANYONE at all in your circle whose support you can turn to or rely on in this daily process, then it is high time that you did some "house cleaning". Who is growing with you??? The answer to this question is very important to the success of your journey -- your prosperity.

Once you have started the process of honesty with yourself and subsequently with others about who we are, remember that it is a PROCESS. Results will happen, but not overnight in most cases. The most rewarding times are those when you are faced with a choice that you've faced in the past and you choose God, over man. That is a sign of growth and change. And you will find yourself desiring to experience that moment again and again. Let's continue to grow together.

The WHY Factor

How goes it blog buddies? Well here we are at Day 10; Day 9 got lost in the grind of the "first workday" after the New Year. I'll make it up to you later.

I don't know how many of you have ever "dabbled" in multi-level marketing. Both Robert Kiyosaki (of Rich Dad, Poor Dad fame) and Donald Trump agreed that MLM is a remarkable option for diversifying income streams and I tend to agree -- who cares right??? LOL Anyway -- I have dabbled and still do, yes it can be lucrative, but for me -- the thing that motivates me most??? - is the fact that each of the MLMs that I've worked with focus on the WHY factor.

The WHY factor is the act of identifying the one person, experience or expectation that motivates you to reach higher. Maybe your why is monetary, maybe you have an ailing parent or it could be that you want to accumulate wealth as an inheritance for your children's children. You could want to be able to travel when you want and take loved ones and it could be you JUST want to get out of, what you see as, a deadend job or career... Everyone's WHY is specially designed and even if it sounds similar to someone else's, no one has lived your life, so no one can possible see your WHY quite the way you do.

Identifying your WHY is key to your life plan. You may use different paths through out your life to get there, but honestly HOW you get there is nowhere near as important as GETTING THERE. And it is just as important that you are willing and able to chronicle your growth and movement toward your WHY. How is my life different today? How have I grown over the past 5 years, 2 years, 6 months...? What steps have I taken toward my WHY today, this week? How much closer to my WHY am I today? Finally, what is hindering me or blocking me from my WHY? Questions like these have to be reviewed regularly; which brings us back to our Day 8 post about refusing to be idle and being intentional with our thoughts.

The answers to these questions can be found in solitude and prayer time. Even if you only get a few minutes of "planned silence" a day, be sure to take the time. This time is so crucial to the "knowingness". That is a word I adopted from a dear friend. There's is nothing even similar to being in the right place, headed in the right direction and "knowing" that you are hitting your intended milestones. Knowing that all that God has whispered in your spirit is becoming a reality. Seek the "knowingness" today by "stopping for directions." How many of us have written down directions from the internet and gotten lost, but just kept riding and riding, running out of gas, because we just think that eventually it will all make sense. When all we needed to do was stop and call someone for directions. God is the only one with the directions for your purpose and true life plan -- the ONLY one.

So if you do indeed want to finally have that "knowingness" and the gratification of moving closer and closer to your WHY, your first step is to find quiet time in your life. The next step is keep your WHY where you can see it everyday. And the next step... and this is crucial... Stay in contact with God continuously as you set out each day on your journey. Why go flying without a flight plan?

Guess what? Your WHY will likely change as you spend more time with God. Not because God is changing, but because you will gradually be less distracted and will realize what is truly necessary. You will realize what God views as important for your life and the lives of those you touch everyday.

Making a WHY statement is an act of faith. Pursuing your WHY, with God's guidance is an act of LOVE. Love of self and love of those your WHY will touch.

Life's Distractions

Day 8. I feel like Captain Kirk aboard the Starship Enterprise, entering my captain's log... I know -- reel it in. LOL I'm back.

Our focus today is the process of evaluating and eliminating the distractions in our lives. "House cleaning" if you will. Before we can really clean house, we must first identify the goal or target from which we may or may not be distracted. The target??? God's Purpose and God's Pleasure. That's all. Everyday when we awake, it's all about -- God's purpose and God's pleasure. In our daily walk -- God's purpose and God's pleasure. Our dealings with people -- God's purpose and God's pleasure. The significance of everything and everyone in our lives, is such, based on their alignment with this target. We are only hitting the bull's eye when our efforts are in alignment.

The bull's eye defined: "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14. Jesus taught so much in his famous "Sermon on the Mount" -- found in the New Testament book of Matthew, chapters 5-7. Very rich and instructional - include in your personal study. Among the empowering and uplifting teachings, were lessons to equip us to be successful in our journey -- keeping us "on target." Late in chapter 6, we are reminded that God knows exactly what we need and that if we seek God first, all the things that "use to" distract us, before God was the target, will be handled and added as they align with God's will for our lives. We often get in the way of our own success because "self" (ambition, monetary pursuits, pleasing people...) is our distraction.

There is nothing wrong with ambition or any other motivator in our lives, as long as it does not distract us from God's purpose and God's pleasure. You can have life coaches and self-help gurus that you admire and follow, but true fulfillment and peace reside in staying focused on the target. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 REMINDER: You will be all that God created you to be by remembering to keep God first.

Every endeavor and person in our lives should lead us back to God -- God's purpose, God's pleasure. So in celebration of the new year, as we prepare to clean house, let's give our lives a "walk through". Are there cracks in your foundation that God needs to repair before you can live your life with peace, joy and victory? What are your distractions?? Is your current dating relationship distracting you from your relationship with God? What about your friendships? Your job situation and career choice? Here's the great part: You may not have to divorce yourself from any of these people or situations. They may be in alignment and YOU could be the one out of alignment. If you know who you are, no environment or person should change your identity or behavior. It helps a great deal to have a friend or two who will encourage and join your efforts to stay on target. Then you can walk together and be support for one another.

Take some time to get to know who you are, beginning with learning who God says you are. Spending time in prayer/solitude builds relationship, strength and confidence. Confidence will trump distractions without fail. The same confidence will generate the necessary determination needed to stay the course each day toward the pursuit of God's purpose and God's pleasure -- and finally you will know God's peace. Beam me up, Scotty

Journal Your Thoughts

Day 7. The days are already speeding by... So much to do, so much to share...

Today we will talk about accountability for our thoughts. How on earth are we going to reach our goals and see God's plan for our lives fulfilled, if we spend soooo many waking hours in "vegetation"?????

In preparation for today's submission, I began a study of proverbs from around the world concerning "idleness". The overall point of view is shared, pretty much. The English/Americans: An idle mind is the devil's workshop, Dutch: An idle man is the devil's pillow, Latin: An idle youth becomes in age, a beggar. There are more, but you get the general idea. This theme continues in old and new testament scriptures where the bible speaks in several instances of the results of idle thoughts and idle hands.

Bottomline: Intentionally occupying your thoughts/hands promotes productivity and success. Thoughts/ideas that do not lead to action become procrastination. (See earlier blog on procrastination)

The Challenge: Review the areas of our lives that lack activity or resolution. Ask the question, "Have I taken sufficient time to think of a plan and put the plan into action concerning this area?" I tell my son all the time that if he doesn't get the grade he hoped for on an assignment or in a class, but he made time for video games, TV or hanging out with friends, then he didn't use his time wisely. Not to say that there is not room for such extracurricular "carryings on," but wisdom and discretion are key.

How are you using your mind? Is it always in a state of "traffic jam", scattered? As an adult do you feel like you have an attention deficit? All the more reason to call your thoughts to subjection and accountability. When we do not think about productive things, we open the door to thoughts of fear, doubt, paranoia, lust, loneliness, etc. My favorite of the proverbs mentioned is that an idle man is the devil's pillow. That creates quite the image, doesn't it? The devil resting, even taking a nap, because he knows you are idle and with your idleness, he's confident that he's winning. Which leads us to what I call the "whatsoevers". Phillipians 4:8 teaches us, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Our thoughts should be intentional.

I mentioned earlier that we may have scattered thoughts. I am, by nature, a "scatter brain". Really. I have soooo many thoughts that I have to intentionally cause my mind to stop and I must hold myself to an actual plan. I am not a disciplined thinker and I have no delusions of grandeur that one day I won't have to plan my thoughts. If it happens, "Thank you Lord," but until such time... The only time I do "shut down" is when I'm on vacation with family or at a casual/social gathering or when I am watching a favorite movie or television show. Period. Otherwise... Like a computer, my mind is processing constantly. If you are like me, you have to be mentally exhausted to even sleep. The answer??? Journal your thoughts, plan your day, plan your life.

Even intentionally set aside time for recreation and rest -- No kidding. And when you get to that time do exactly what your calendar/journal indicates.

To the contrary, some people spend their days dismissing thoughts, because they don't want to have to DO anything. Thus you have your couch potatoes or what I like to call "lollygaggers". You don't really like that you are a lollygagger, but it's easier than being accountable for your success or lack there or. Proverbs 23: 7 teaches that, as a man/woman thinks, so is he/she. If you don't want to think or be accountable for your thoughts, then who are you really???


Seeing your good thoughts/plans put into action will motivate and encourage you. You will be surprised at the results of your "call to action." The other amazing outcome is that those around you will be motivated and encouraged too. Our thoughts are going to go somewhere and we are completely in charge of navigating. Make a decision today to be an intentional navigator of your thoughts and see your purpose fulfilled.

Forgiving the Unforgivable

Happy New Year to all my cyber family! 2010 promises to be an absolutely awesome year, if we are committed to living it with purpose and intention. Day 6 is all about forgiveness. It's a tough one, but necessary.

Yesterday, if you didn't read my blog before the revision, you missed my rampage about blame in relationships. I have to apologize myself for "writing in anger." I was turning tables yesterday, but I could have hurt someone and that must not happen. "Be angry and do not sin," is what Ephesians 4:26 teaches us. The purpose of this blog is to edify and encourage, never to point fingers of shame or to do harm. If I didn't harm any of my readers, I certainly harmed my mission and purpose. I thank you all for forgiving me. Now...

Throughout our lives, many of our life choices may cause harm - directly OR indirectly. I like to believe that most of the time people get hurt, not because we set out to harm them, but they become casualies of our own issues. Many abusers are actually trying to sabotage themselves and the victims are an afterthought. Having suffered abuse in my childhood, I know that my abuser was in pain. That is not an excuse, but it helps in the process of forgiving. A friend of mine, we'll call Marcus, shared with me his desire to show compassion toward the drunk driver that killed his parent. That truly warmed my heart, because drunk driving is a perfect example of my point about self-sabotage. Abusers, attackers, malicious gossipers and others who do harm, have no self-love. They may be self-centered and selfish, but have no self-love.

When we love ourselves, we want to present ourselves in the best possible light. We want to exhibit the best of ourselves, for the purpose of God's pleasure and his plan. Sometimes even our good intentions cause harm. The scripture "Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil" (Romans 14:16), lets us know that intentions don't count for much, if harm is the result. People will see the harm, but not necessarily your intentions. So even if you commit an unintentional infraction, apologizing and being careful in the future is the best plan of action.

For those who intentionally harm, if the intention is to do harm and the goal is acheived and there is no remorse -- the heart itself is at issue. Only a relationship with God and an experience of true love can change that -- and change must be desired before it can begin.

Let's talk about forgiving ourselves, so that we can change how we see ourselves. Love of self often begins with forgiveness. Maybe we've abused ourselves over the years, maybe we have lashed out at those we are suppose to love, maybe we have destroyed our own relationships or even someone else's... There could be many other reasons why we should forgive ourselves, but what is important is that we do it today so that new life and healing can begin. Forgiveness occur from our hearts, as we learn through the parable of the king in Matthew 18. It is the heart that makes the difference in all of our decisions in life. And to "forgive" is certainly a decision. Unforgiveness, binds us and can form malice, suffering and even physical/mental illness. Jesus himself uses a form of the word "forgive" over 40 times. That's how important he wanted us to know it is. Once we forgive ourselves, forgiving others is a natural progression.

There is healing beyond our imaginations in our willingness to forgive. Restoration can occur in degrees, based on the trust that is earned. Forgiveness does not give permission to continue harm; we must end that cycle. True forgiveness means that we realize that the peace we long for and the love we seek is all the more attainable, because the "cloud" of pain has been removed. We can then be free to love ourselves and others in ways that we never imagined possible -- I know this from my own journey.

Since I have become a forgiver, my joys are genuine and longer-lasting. How I see myself and the world has changed, such that I have less of a cynical world view. I use to live a lifestyle of unforgiveness. I know that sounds funny, but unforgiveness breeds cynicism and doubt in almost every area of your life, because some part of you believes every harm is intentional and punishable. You analyze every ill you hear about and see as intentional and punishable. No grace and very little mercy. I know... I use to live there.

We have to remember the countless times that God forgave us and restored us. No one deserves grace, yet God gives it to us -- not as a loan to be paid back, but FREELY.

If you are living a lifestyle of unforgiveness, decide to forgive. Your eyes will be opened to see the areas of your life that need healing and restoration and you will begin to live life from a genuine, compassionate place that will make the light inside of you brighter and more edifying to all those you encounter. All you have to do is DECIDE.

Stepping Over the Wounded- REVISED

Here we are, Day 5 in our series. I'm going in a totally different direction than I originally planned, because I have read a note from a friend of a friend in Facebook and it was "more of the same." It just looked like a tennis match of blame. Who is to blame for failing relationships??? What came first the chicken or the egg???

Both women and men contribute to the current state of relationships in general. Everyone who reads these comments, blogs, notes... knows someone, really lots of people, who themselves are not whole-- emotionally and spirtually complete -- "the walking wounded", who are out here dating and continuing to further wound others. We get on panel after panel blaming one another for why people are single. Our children are watching us and becoming more and more indifferent, frivolous and casual about their views on relationships and performing acts at earlier ages that are endangering their lives. The woundedness is now beginning as early as 9 and 10-years-old. I saw a Dr. Phil show today that made me want to run into the street screaming like the character Mookie in Do the Right Thing.

Change will only occur when we, as a part of the human race, realize our individual role in promoting and living truth. Truth about the person we look at in the mirror and truth about the people we are drawn to and start asking WHY? Why do we behave the way we do toward the people in our lives? If we are in a good relationship, why don't we value it? If we are in a harmful or unproductive relationship, why do we stay or even decide to marry? Without loving and valuing ourselves, how can be in a healthy relationship?

It starts with us. If you are healthy and dating and realize early on that the person you've met, is not what you desire, even if he/she is attractive and accomplished, you probably should not continue with the relationship. If there is nothing there from the beginnng, it CAN NOT END WELL. All that will result is more wounds for either or both involved. Be HONEST about your intentions and expectations upfront.

I tell every dating single I know... Dating is for CONFIRMING, not CONVINCING. Many men and women audition for years for the role of "spouse" only to arrive at a place of having to "divide the spoils" and walk away wounded -- yet again. Relationships, as with everything else we do, MUST be intentional. We usually know when a relationship is going NO WHERE. And we know it early enough to spare ourselves and the person we are seeing much of the pain we experience in break-ups. No relationship is perfect, but every relationship should have purpose and intention.

What is happening in relationships today is the sum of many contributing factors: self-indulgence, abandonment, lack of positive influences, and other societal ills. Let's get to know the people in our lives and promote health and integrity in all of our relationships. Healing before moving into another relationship is more than just necessary -- it is detrimental to the life of our future union. I've talked about healing in earlier submissions. Look at the relationship you are in today. How are you contributing to it's healthiness, if it is healthy at all? If it is not healthy, get help, if you can -- especially if it is a marriage. If we have to become an impostor to keep a relationship going, it is not healthy. Compromise is necessary for success, but not lying about who we are. That's why counselling, for many couples is so vital BEFORE the nuptuals, because sometimes we can't see ourselves at all.

We have to move on from blame. It is not the "fault" of any one gender, race, ideology... The village has allowed its daughters and sons to become wounded and now the village must join together to restore health and healing, so that healthy, life-long relationships can return to being the "norm" instead of "the exception".

Before We Go Any Further, Let's Be Friends

Whodini released the album - yes I said "album" -- Escape in 1984. And one of the classics that emerged from that masterpiece was the song "Friends". Y'all know it, "Friends, how many of us have them, friends, ones we can depend on, friends..."

This is Day 4 of our year-long adventure and I must say I'm having a great time. Now... many singles don't know what friendship looks like because we have never experienced friendship. When your earliest memories are of betrayal, by parents and close family or even childhood friends, sometimes this may lead to reclusive living or allowing "anyone" to latch on to us. The problem with this is that if we can not recognize friends, many of our encounters will be superficial at best.

Every facet of our lives requires decisions and intention. Why am I doing this? Why is this person in my life? Where do I hope to be in 2 years, 5 years, etc.? Who are my "friends"? Exodus 33:11 tells us that the Lord spoke to Moses "face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." IMPORTANT: Friends speak to you face to face. Truthfully, friendship is very delicate and intricate. Developing one requires patience, honesty, transparency (over time) and love -- Godly love. When we have questionable character, it is difficult, but not impossible to be a friend. If we want to have friends, then it is necessary for us to become friend material.

Sure it's fun and somewhat fulfilling to grab lunch with someone , catch a movie with someone or go to a sporting event with someone. But this doesn't make someone a friend -- companion, yes, acquaintance, yes, associate or peer, yes. Friendship is a very valuable commodity. And true friendship is cherished for a lifetime. True friends will NEVER kill your dreams. They will recognize your fire, your passion and even your calling and be sensitive to it. Even if friends do not understand your journey, they will stand with you, trusting the person with whom they have been mutually patient, honest, transparent and experienced love. A friend will celebrate your joys and experience your pains, just as much, if not more than you do.

Does this mean that the people of questionable character in your life should be cast out? Nope. Some can learn to be friends, by our example. You will see that as you know what to look for in friends and become a better one, the "not-so-much" friends will gradually go their own way. See the "not-so's" don't want honesty, they just want you to agree with them and their questionable behavior and inappropriate life choices. If you are doing this, you are not being a friend. Lots of times when people tell you that they are involved in something inappropriate, they are hoping that you will "talk them down". Use wisdom, kindness and discretion, but BE A FRIEND.

When you learn how to pick better friends and be a better friend, this will contribute to other life successes. You'll look for integrity in your work environment, you'll be conscious of your image and who you associate with. Finally, you will marry someone who is your FRIEND -- Someone who wants to know YOU, from the inside out, not in the opposite direction. We have to refuse to waste time with people in general who are only interested in our CANDY COATING. Those relationships are fun, but not INTENTIONAL. There is so much more to us, if people take the time to look inside. Make that a requirement -- you'll be glad you did.

You want to know who you really are? Look at the folks you call friends. Jackie Caine, Tasha Jackson, Jocelyne Jones, Betty Hart, Shameeka Shy Ayers, V. Keith Jones, and Kevin Judge are my friends (for richer, for poorer) -- they don't take my mess and they listen with Godly love. I trust them with my life, not because of who they are, but because of who God is through them. You don't have to speak to or see friends all the time, but they are always there. Recognize who your friends are today.

The "Decision" to Heal

Good day all. Welcome to Day 3 of victorious singleness.

Today's post comes pretty easy, because it's based on my own experiences. I must say that I was preparing to post this since yesterday, especially after reading a Facebook status of a very dear friend. She was talking about preachers who criticize other ministries from the pulpit. My comment to this is that there are many wounded people "ministering" through their wounds. And this is not limited to preachers, just as ministry is not limited to pulpiteers.

We minister (share the love of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ) as believers with everyone in our lives and if we are wounded, our efforts are not nearly as effective and can, in fact, be very harmful. No matter how hard we try to cover and camouflage our woundedness, it comes out in one form or another. We must make the "decision" that we will seek and achieve healing for the sake of those we say we love and those we will attempt to love in the future.

Wounded parents, wound their children -- very often unintentionally. Wounded friends, hurt other friends -- but we have to KNOW that we are wounded and therein lies the biggest dilemma. When we do not know we are wounded, we assume that everything negative that occurs in our lives and those we've touched, is someone else's fault or someone else's problem. We become victims and teach victimization to those in our care. This is more dangerous than a bullet through the heart, because it has a domino effect that can last a lifetime and cause us only to have superficial, surface relationships. Only those who are as wounded as we are or so desperate to have a connection that they just accept our wounds and join in, are able to stay in our circle. We only attract wounded people and chase away the healthy.

Having experienced abuse in my childhood, I worked feverishly to not be "that" person. Always trying to please, do the "right" thing. And when it came down, it almost destroyed me -- but God. Having to stop everything, gave me a chance to really see how wounded I was and for the sake of all those God had placed and would place in my life, as well as for the sake of the fulfillment of God's purpose for MY life, I had to get healed. The only way that I could be healed was to turn to the Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Not being "super-spiritual" -- by turning to the Healer, I mean that I had to acknowledge that I had unmet needs, unresolved issues, and unhealed hurts (thanks Carolyn Driver!), then ALLOW God to show me the path to healing. God began to bring people in my life, like my professors at Beulah Heights University, that taught me how to be healthy and subsequently a better mom, friend, minister... Why??? Because once we are healed, we become the truth that we seek and we begin to serve healthy "food" that changes lives. Not just rhetoric and repeating stuff that we've heard, but genuine truth, our truth.

When we are living life from a genuine place, it becomes less difficult to forgive and restore those who have hurt us. We don't even care WHY they hurt us, we just know that they need to see what forgiveness looks like. That ACTION, however it is played out in your life, will be seed sown in fertile ground. Being healthy also helps you recognize those who are healed and leads you to make more conscious decisions about who should be in your life, for how long and to what degree. Being healed opens our spirits to received direction, since we are no longer clogged with the pain of our past. Being healed helps us to share pure, untainted love -- Godly love that does not REQUIRE that those around us perform in order to receive it.

Make a commitment to search your heart and memory for "the pain". Be silent and ask God, not only to show you the pain, but also to guide you to forgiveness and healing. If we are constantly knee-deep in criticism of ourselves and others and it comes out in our walk and daily talk -- our wounds are showing. Get healed -- DECIDE to be healed -- PURE LOVE is waiting.

Who Is The Real "Devourer"?

Good day all. This is Day 2 of our adventure and I'm going back into the office today to tie up final lose ends for the year. Ultimately, I plan to be independently wealthy in the next 4-6 years, but in the mean time, I, like many of my single and married buddies, have to do what I have to do, until I can do what I really love. C'est la vie.

Over the past year I've been pondering off and on, something that was revealed to me in my prayer time a few years ago, when I had a job making barely liveable wages. I was crying uncontrollably, reminding God that He said in His word that He would "Rebuke the devourer for my sake" (Malachi 3:11). And I heard back from Him in my spirit, loud and clear, as if I was in some sort of echo chamber, "You are the devourer of your finances." I stopped crying immediately and sat down on the couch, stunned by this truth.

In hindsight, I guess I could have said, "Wow God - I'm making little to nothing, can barely pay my mortgage, and I'm eating, but nothing fancy and certainly not eating out or enjoying anything extracurricular -- but I'm the devourer???" I didn't say that, because I knew that what God said was the absolute truth. A series of bad career and other financial choices had landed me in my "then" circumstances, but I had many great financial opportunities. Immaturity is very costly.

Immaturity in life choices (friends, family, dating, marriage...) is bad enough, but immaturity in financial planning can cause a "snow ball" and eventual avalanche that can affect every area of our lives. So... it is imperative that we first recognize that we may well be that "devourer" of our finances and if that is true, change it.

No matter how much you make, you can make changes to your life to improve your financial circumstances. Start by educating yourself and developing a plan. I have several friends and colleagues who jetset around the planet living it up because they think that since they are making six-figures today that they'll never have to worry about money. Even if you never plan to marry or add to your family -- current circumstances are not guaranteed. "Stuff" happens. My former pastor once said that he knows that a family can live off one salary, because single parents do it all the time. But even as single parents, we can "Google" or "bing" a budget and financial planning template and begin today improving our lives and increasing our financial security. Even if you know that you had plans for the paycheck that is coming -- start today.

I paid a small fortune for a budget and financial planning program a few years ago and after reading through it, I realized that the principles were so simple, that I could have kept my money -- so I learned the principles and sold the program on eBay. I also bought a book about a year ago, You're Broke Because You Want To Be, by Larry Winget - one of my FBFs. If you want to get out of debt, save better for your future (an inheritance) and still intelligently plan your leisure and social life -- get that book. There are others that I have read that were helpful too.

Finally -- if you don't like how much you make -- make some changes. Take classes, consider a career change, start that business -- once you've gotten educated, that is -- but do something. Remember "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:20)-- Soooo... start working your faith - TODAY.