Here we are, Day 5 in our series. I'm going in a totally different direction than I originally planned, because I have read a note from a friend of a friend in Facebook and it was "more of the same." It just looked like a tennis match of blame. Who is to blame for failing relationships??? What came first the chicken or the egg???
Both women and men contribute to the current state of relationships in general. Everyone who reads these comments, blogs, notes... knows someone, really lots of people, who themselves are not whole-- emotionally and spirtually complete -- "the walking wounded", who are out here dating and continuing to further wound others. We get on panel after panel blaming one another for why people are single. Our children are watching us and becoming more and more indifferent, frivolous and casual about their views on relationships and performing acts at earlier ages that are endangering their lives. The woundedness is now beginning as early as 9 and 10-years-old. I saw a Dr. Phil show today that made me want to run into the street screaming like the character Mookie in Do the Right Thing.
Change will only occur when we, as a part of the human race, realize our individual role in promoting and living truth. Truth about the person we look at in the mirror and truth about the people we are drawn to and start asking WHY? Why do we behave the way we do toward the people in our lives? If we are in a good relationship, why don't we value it? If we are in a harmful or unproductive relationship, why do we stay or even decide to marry? Without loving and valuing ourselves, how can be in a healthy relationship?
It starts with us. If you are healthy and dating and realize early on that the person you've met, is not what you desire, even if he/she is attractive and accomplished, you probably should not continue with the relationship. If there is nothing there from the beginnng, it CAN NOT END WELL. All that will result is more wounds for either or both involved. Be HONEST about your intentions and expectations upfront.
I tell every dating single I know... Dating is for CONFIRMING, not CONVINCING. Many men and women audition for years for the role of "spouse" only to arrive at a place of having to "divide the spoils" and walk away wounded -- yet again. Relationships, as with everything else we do, MUST be intentional. We usually know when a relationship is going NO WHERE. And we know it early enough to spare ourselves and the person we are seeing much of the pain we experience in break-ups. No relationship is perfect, but every relationship should have purpose and intention.
What is happening in relationships today is the sum of many contributing factors: self-indulgence, abandonment, lack of positive influences, and other societal ills. Let's get to know the people in our lives and promote health and integrity in all of our relationships. Healing before moving into another relationship is more than just necessary -- it is detrimental to the life of our future union. I've talked about healing in earlier submissions. Look at the relationship you are in today. How are you contributing to it's healthiness, if it is healthy at all? If it is not healthy, get help, if you can -- especially if it is a marriage. If we have to become an impostor to keep a relationship going, it is not healthy. Compromise is necessary for success, but not lying about who we are. That's why counselling, for many couples is so vital BEFORE the nuptuals, because sometimes we can't see ourselves at all.
We have to move on from blame. It is not the "fault" of any one gender, race, ideology... The village has allowed its daughters and sons to become wounded and now the village must join together to restore health and healing, so that healthy, life-long relationships can return to being the "norm" instead of "the exception".
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