The Value of Singleness Once You Marry

Well, it's been a while... I've been getting certifications, re-opening my tea business (www.teazerts.com - shameless plug), meeting people through meetup.com, going on great trips, attending my son's college graduation and somewhere in the middle, The Victorious Single - GOT MARRIED! I wasn't expecting it to happen when it did, but it did and I've been married to my very best friend for over a year now...

Now of course, the obvious happens when you are no longer single/unmarried. You have an available and constant companion. You now share dreams, as well as have dreams of your own that will benefit the family (and of course the WORLD)! You realize the sacrifices you must make for the strength and health of the relationship and you make them, sometimes gritting your teeth. But at the end of each day, if it ends in a kiss and loving glances, YOU WIN! There are values of singleness that you bring into marriage though, if you made singleness work in a healthy way. You bring in self-worth, so your partner doesn't have to work too hard to validate you every day. When he says you're beautiful, it's not to boost your self-esteem and make you secure, but to just appreciate who you are. When you disagree, it's not taken or meant as a personal attack, because you are two healthy and conscious people, who want to not just survive, but thrive and add value to each other.

I'm so glad I had over 18 years without marriage, raising my son and planning my life. Being found by and choosing a husband that really loves me, in the right ways and who I can cheer for and celebrate reciprocally, is an awesome gift and well worth the wait. Especially because I was too busy living to realize that it was time for his arrival.

I will blog from time to time, because I am still the biggest advocate for living single victoriously. Any other way is just criminal. Love you.

On BEING Complete

When I look out my window today, a day that would be considered cold in Georgia is what I see. I've heard the wind blowing throughout the night and although it is warm inside, I think of how cold it is for those having to venture out or live in such frigid temperatures. I've been doing a lot of thinking, planning, writing, reading... while on medical leave for an hysterectomy. I've also asked myself some very important, but not pressing questions. Am I wrong to be content as my life is today? The easy answer is, "Of course not!" And scripture supports this truth. But it's amazing how society shapes a perfect box that EVERY person should fit into or they will be considered INCOMPLETE.

Let me tell you, I have had little and I have had much. I have traveled just enough to know what's outside my comfort zone and to know I will do even more as life affords. In my mind, I have begun the processes of planning my life, packed with solid 3-5 year goals and long term financial and relocation goals... I really feel like a grown up. As I near age 50, in a little more than 2 years, I am shedding the pressures of needing the people around me to applaud my accomplishments. I have had all the "stuff" I have ever wanted, now what? For the first time I can actively seek my purpose in others' lives. What is it in me that God had in mind for others? How can I be a value to those around me? Not to be lauded or applauded, but to just share freely, even if no one even knows.

Relationships (family, friends, romantic...) take work and attention and above all, commitment. I have wonderful relationships, now. I can finally say that I have no forced relationships today -- those relationships that you know are a struggle to maintain and there is little if any value added on either end. When peace is your goal, it will become clearer who is or should be a part of the equation. I am gradually weeding out the "have tos" of my life. Some "have tos" will interchange or evolve, but some are unnecessary. My relationships are so much richer, especially with my son and old friends.

I live a full life and I really can't name an empty space. I finally see that I don't have to feel guilty about feeling content with my life. I'm still doing great things like attending conferences, getting certifications, taking classes... I'm baking and cooking more... With everything going on, the one thing I will say absolutely... I will always stay open to life, God's purpose and promises fulfilled. And in the course of it all, I remain COMPLETE.

BE Who You Are...

This installment is very near and dear to me as a mother of two chicks who have just made their first foray into the WORLD. Both are full-time college students, both are taking intelligent risks and failing occasionally, but learning the truth about resiliency. They both have been given a foundation, coming from totally different beginnings -- one born three months premature, the other spending far too many years in foster care. My children who are now adults, know the love of God and family and it shows in how compassionate they are to those who need it most.

I think they are closer to living their best lives than I ever was at their ages. I'd like to think I had something to do with that, but ultimately I think it is more the path that God made for each of them. We all have the choice to stay on that divine path or detour occasionally, sometimes suffering the consequences. Truthfully, there are no surprises. We wake each day and we decide much of what leads to our daily outcomes - good or bad. Life is full of opportunities, sometimes minute-by-minute to make not just good choices, but God choices -- Those choices that will guide us to purpose; the answers to the WHYs of our lives.

For many years I was trapped; maybe in a cocoon of sorts. Many things happened in my life to cause me to want to be liked and accepted. Wanting to say the right things always -- Never ever to offend anyone with telling them the truth. Those thoughts by themselves are not harmful or far-fetched. But coupled together with an unhealthy concept of God and religion... *my Christian friends' antennas just went up - chuckle* I was so religious at a point in my life that I negated all that Jesus taught in his short life. I ruled myself with an iron fist and beat myself up for considering enjoying anything outside the four walls of the church. I love God, I serve a risen Savior in Jesus the Christ - Yeshua and I love God's creation - not just the Christian ones.

Before I professed the Lord, Jesus, I spent a good deal of time around people of various ethnic backgrounds/cultures. I tried different foods, listened to different genres of music, visited wonderful places... I experienced great pains and even greater achievements and victories. The path that I have traveled can not have been for NOTHING at all! A few years ago, I began to feel the cocoon crack.

I left a job I hated and started my own company. I can not tell you how liberating that was. The old me would never have considered such a thing. I was always a scared bird who talked big, but did little to change things when I was unhappy; hence the gastrointestinal issues I later suffered. Now some would say... "That's not true." Yes, I have made some life choices that some would consider "daring," long before quitting my job, but I always quivered inside -- hoping that my decision would not be too hurtful and believing deep down that SOMEONE was really disappointed in my decision.

I have come to learn and embrace that every experience and lesson, every victory, every failure and misstep, every gain and loss, every appreciation AND disappointment has all been combined to form a big loving pot of ME. And there is always enough of me to go around, as long as I don't serve up TOO much. As long as I'm truly LIVING life, I will never be empty. Abundant life is restorative and healthy. That may or may not extend to health in my body, as everyone has a day/hour to leave this life. But while I am here, I am going to BE all of ME. My relationships are more genuine and richer -- I pray to see purpose in those I encounter. Being me doesn't give me license or even extra time to critique everyone in the world. The best of us doesn't have to be harmful or unkind to be truthful (that's often pain speaking), nor do we have to permit others to inflict or deflect their pain on us. Be HONEST, know LOVE, give LOVE and BE YOU. Hope this helps someone. Remember God's faithfulness.

Love and the Single Woman

To date or not to date... As humans it's quite natural to long for companionship. The longing itself is far from harmful, but often we allow ourselves to be guided by the longing. Scrreeeech! Let's stop right here for a minute! Why in the world would you be screening applicants when you haven't quite finished developing the business plan? Simply put, you may not be ready for a companion... yet!

How fulfilled are you? Does having a man or woman in your life signify fulfillment? If so, quit that! LOL! I don't mean to make light of loneliness. Who hasn't felt lonely at some point in life? The goal is not to LIVE lonely. LIVING lonely is no LIFE at all. Some time ago, over 16 years ago really, I decided to divorce my 1st and only husband so far. I get questions all the time about how it is I am "still single". "What's wrong with you???" That's my favorite! *smirk*

I have dated a bit and even been engaged, but I do it with my eyes wide open. I have come to admire women who have remained single and fulfilled for any length of time. Not because marriage is a bad thing; quite the contrary... Marriage is beautiful when two people really "get it." But lop-sided love is way too prevalent in our society and some people refuse to be a part of that club. *hand raised* Being single has given me the "opportunity" to be a focused and engaged mom to my two children. I have also been emotionally free to love-on and care for my ailing mom until the moment she transitioned last year. My friendships have greater depth and value. My father and I have grown even closer. God is not just some fictional character in a book for me; I value people and myself through my spiritual growth.

Having God in my life has taught me and continues to teach me LOVE. The more I love myself the less cynical I am. And believe me I use to be one of the biggest cynics I know. I use to think every good that was done was questionable. My UNSOLICITED opinion was all that mattered, but yours was interesting... LOL! Don't get me wrong... I'm still opinionated, but today it's easier to allow love -- love of GOD, love of SELF, and love of OTHERS (pretty much in that order) to guide what opinions I share and how I share them. And I realized that I DECIDE who enters the inner circle - the most vulnerable place.

Love of self is how I guide my decision making and daily choices. God taught me how to love myself and that is a precious gift, because I didn't always love ME and it showed in every area. My focus now is finishing my book and being a success in all that God allows me to put my hands to, including my businesses and projects. Love of self has given me fulfillment. Now if in the course of living this life, God brings a man who knows how to love... I will receive him with open arms, literally! As you focus on fulfillment, love inevitably comes in various forms. #LoveonYourself #LoveonOthers #GodIsLove

Find Your Peace...

I haven't blogged for a while because I have been sooooooo involved in family needs and quite honestly there was little room for ME. I have no regrets about the hand that was dealt me, as I know that ultimately God's plan for me is multi-faceted and the journey has been great; replete with bumps and bruises. I lost my mom last October, after a long battle with kidney failure and congestive heart failure. Every moment she suffered in the end felt like someone was gently squeezing life out of me too. My mom was both my daily laugh buddy and "contender in the ring." We battled hard, but laughed harder. I knew my mom loved me and wanted my success, at times more than her own. I relied on her to just BE THERE and to HEAR me and she never let me down. I wrestled with her for years because I wanted her to WANT to live, but her body was breaking down and it was taking her strength in every way imaginable. My son and I just couldn't grasp how this giant of a woman could be whittling away before our eyes. I think we were both in serious denial until the very end.

I worked to protect my son from the seriousness and made sure that we went to spend quality time with her. At that same time he was finishing his senior year of high school and wanting to finish well. As many of you know, my son has had many academic challenges, due in part to being born three months early. 1 lb/14 ozs at birth, he overcame many of his challenges, but still struggles with spacial issues. His junior year he miraculously developed his own methods to become victorious in studying, so I was finally able to rest in that area...

One thing that was constant for me is that I realized that there were times that I had to set aside, no matter how small, to breathe and thank God for what was my TRUTH. Yes, situations may go wrong... Yes, you may have presumably fallen off track... Yes, outside forces like family matters, may be in disrepair. But we have to rest in knowing we are doing what we can and we have to trust God to be God... Not just in OUR lives, but in the lives of those we touch everyday. There is no peace in trying to be God for people. Love yourself and others, pray for yourself and others and do what gives you peace, not pressure. Pray also that God will show you how to know the difference. I pray this message gives someone RELEASE AND RELIEF.

Fun, Where Art Thou???

Greetings all! Now that my child is preparing to graduate and head to college, I'm forced into self-analysis. What on earth will I do with myself? What will my life be like now? Raising my child has been my primary focus for 18 years. Yes, I have gotten away here and there, but I'm actually embarrassed to say how few times I have planned a trip or any other leisure activity just for me. So... I know I need to make some adjustments.

I'm sure there are many of us who have lived the same life. Making sure everyone else is living a fulfilled life, while we "exist". I proclaim that it's time to be intentional about finding our "fun." Is there anything you use to do that you've trained yourself not to miss? Maybe you use to go to concerts or bowling. Maybe you use to write stories or go dancing. Maybe you should start with bingo or plan a trip. Fun... fun... are you at dinner with a few friends? Are you in a cooking class or could you possibly be in a brand new hobby?

Some of us wouldn't recognize fun because we've never really met. Might take a bit of courage. You may even need to recruit a buddy or two.

It's time to begin to explore. I know it's time for me. So let's do it.

The Fire Starter - The Price of Anger

You know, as the self-dubbed "Queen of Self-Reflection and Analysis," I have to say I really had a bad day recently. The day itself went okay, but... Let's just say that it didn't end in a way that I would be proud if I was being secretly taped. Now people who know me intimately, would tell you that I don't use explitives when I'm angered, but I have to say, what I DIDN'T say verbally THIS DAY was better kept inside!

When leaving the office, I turned to put my purse in the back seat and pulled SOMETHING in my back! Ok... Being a woman of a "certain age" I have gotten use to the tremors of change that happen once you "crossover" into the land of 40+, but this was certainly at least a 4.7 on the richter pain scale. I had little choice but to proceed on my with my drive home and I honestly was feeling sorry for the anticipated ungracious drivers and those who would dare to cut me off this day. All I could think was "God help them, because I am not THE ONE today!" And of course, the seldom courteous, tailgating, under-the-limit-in-the-fast-lane, Atlanta drivers did not let me down. There was a point when I was in such pain that I had to begin to coach myself and finally to pray...

I knew when I got home that my son would not be expecting "this WOMAN." Nor would he deserve the potential venom if God-forbid, I came home to a dirty kitchen or unfinished chores and any other number of options that could turn up the fire on my already boiling kettle. See, I remember well from less mature days, if I hadn't decided to meditate and pray, THAT WOMAN, would have been looking for something, anything to unload about. How many of us have been that person?

Learning how to diffuse, what could be disastrous outcomes for unsuspecting loved ones and even strangers, is very important to living life victoriously. Identifying our pressure points and triggers helps in this process. We all know what those triggers are, but often don't consider the long-term cost of not taking the necessary steps to control them. A kind, but new cashier at the grocery store, a shopper who accidentally bumps into you at the shoe store, a spouse, roommate, son or daughter who forgets one of your RULES, does not deserve a high impact attack, because you refused to diffuse. It is a decision.

We have no idea really who we are dealing with on a daily basis and the lasting effect our random angry outbursts can have on a person and honestly it is very selfish not to consider this. The cashier could have special needs or could be considering suicide. The shopper, could have recently lost a husband or child tragically... Learning to see each person through eyes of mutual compassion is perpetual -- moment by moment, especially if you have a history of self-absorption. I think we all do. We start out that way as babies, but there comes a point when we should realize that our behaviors and life choices affect everyone around us -- whether we want them to or not. It's all a part of God's plan.

For those who struggle with rushes to judgement and anger, allow me to share a few scriptures that have been a great help to me - print a couple and keep them in your pocket/purse to reflect on in those times...


Proverbs 16:32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Proverbs 19:11 A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.

James 1:19 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

Remember that the intention of our words or deeds, even when we are disappointed or angry, should never be to do harm or destroy. Think first, pray first and always check your motives. As a parent, not wanting to raise an angry or fearful child, I remind myself regularly of these prinicples and it really makes the difference. Rumor has it, it works in marriages too. Thanks for stopping by.