Here we are, Day 5 in our series. I'm going in a totally different direction than I originally planned, because I have read a note from a friend of a friend in Facebook and it was "more of the same." It just looked like a tennis match of blame. Who is to blame for failing relationships??? What came first the chicken or the egg???
Both women and men contribute to the current state of relationships in general. Everyone who reads these comments, blogs, notes... knows someone, really lots of people, who themselves are not whole-- emotionally and spirtually complete -- "the walking wounded", who are out here dating and continuing to further wound others. We get on panel after panel blaming one another for why people are single. Our children are watching us and becoming more and more indifferent, frivolous and casual about their views on relationships and performing acts at earlier ages that are endangering their lives. The woundedness is now beginning as early as 9 and 10-years-old. I saw a Dr. Phil show today that made me want to run into the street screaming like the character Mookie in Do the Right Thing.
Change will only occur when we, as a part of the human race, realize our individual role in promoting and living truth. Truth about the person we look at in the mirror and truth about the people we are drawn to and start asking WHY? Why do we behave the way we do toward the people in our lives? If we are in a good relationship, why don't we value it? If we are in a harmful or unproductive relationship, why do we stay or even decide to marry? Without loving and valuing ourselves, how can be in a healthy relationship?
It starts with us. If you are healthy and dating and realize early on that the person you've met, is not what you desire, even if he/she is attractive and accomplished, you probably should not continue with the relationship. If there is nothing there from the beginnng, it CAN NOT END WELL. All that will result is more wounds for either or both involved. Be HONEST about your intentions and expectations upfront.
I tell every dating single I know... Dating is for CONFIRMING, not CONVINCING. Many men and women audition for years for the role of "spouse" only to arrive at a place of having to "divide the spoils" and walk away wounded -- yet again. Relationships, as with everything else we do, MUST be intentional. We usually know when a relationship is going NO WHERE. And we know it early enough to spare ourselves and the person we are seeing much of the pain we experience in break-ups. No relationship is perfect, but every relationship should have purpose and intention.
What is happening in relationships today is the sum of many contributing factors: self-indulgence, abandonment, lack of positive influences, and other societal ills. Let's get to know the people in our lives and promote health and integrity in all of our relationships. Healing before moving into another relationship is more than just necessary -- it is detrimental to the life of our future union. I've talked about healing in earlier submissions. Look at the relationship you are in today. How are you contributing to it's healthiness, if it is healthy at all? If it is not healthy, get help, if you can -- especially if it is a marriage. If we have to become an impostor to keep a relationship going, it is not healthy. Compromise is necessary for success, but not lying about who we are. That's why counselling, for many couples is so vital BEFORE the nuptuals, because sometimes we can't see ourselves at all.
We have to move on from blame. It is not the "fault" of any one gender, race, ideology... The village has allowed its daughters and sons to become wounded and now the village must join together to restore health and healing, so that healthy, life-long relationships can return to being the "norm" instead of "the exception".
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Before We Go Any Further, Let's Be Friends
Whodini released the album - yes I said "album" -- Escape in 1984. And one of the classics that emerged from that masterpiece was the song "Friends". Y'all know it, "Friends, how many of us have them, friends, ones we can depend on, friends..."
This is Day 4 of our year-long adventure and I must say I'm having a great time. Now... many singles don't know what friendship looks like because we have never experienced friendship. When your earliest memories are of betrayal, by parents and close family or even childhood friends, sometimes this may lead to reclusive living or allowing "anyone" to latch on to us. The problem with this is that if we can not recognize friends, many of our encounters will be superficial at best.
Every facet of our lives requires decisions and intention. Why am I doing this? Why is this person in my life? Where do I hope to be in 2 years, 5 years, etc.? Who are my "friends"? Exodus 33:11 tells us that the Lord spoke to Moses "face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." IMPORTANT: Friends speak to you face to face. Truthfully, friendship is very delicate and intricate. Developing one requires patience, honesty, transparency (over time) and love -- Godly love. When we have questionable character, it is difficult, but not impossible to be a friend. If we want to have friends, then it is necessary for us to become friend material.
Sure it's fun and somewhat fulfilling to grab lunch with someone , catch a movie with someone or go to a sporting event with someone. But this doesn't make someone a friend -- companion, yes, acquaintance, yes, associate or peer, yes. Friendship is a very valuable commodity. And true friendship is cherished for a lifetime. True friends will NEVER kill your dreams. They will recognize your fire, your passion and even your calling and be sensitive to it. Even if friends do not understand your journey, they will stand with you, trusting the person with whom they have been mutually patient, honest, transparent and experienced love. A friend will celebrate your joys and experience your pains, just as much, if not more than you do.
Does this mean that the people of questionable character in your life should be cast out? Nope. Some can learn to be friends, by our example. You will see that as you know what to look for in friends and become a better one, the "not-so-much" friends will gradually go their own way. See the "not-so's" don't want honesty, they just want you to agree with them and their questionable behavior and inappropriate life choices. If you are doing this, you are not being a friend. Lots of times when people tell you that they are involved in something inappropriate, they are hoping that you will "talk them down". Use wisdom, kindness and discretion, but BE A FRIEND.
When you learn how to pick better friends and be a better friend, this will contribute to other life successes. You'll look for integrity in your work environment, you'll be conscious of your image and who you associate with. Finally, you will marry someone who is your FRIEND -- Someone who wants to know YOU, from the inside out, not in the opposite direction. We have to refuse to waste time with people in general who are only interested in our CANDY COATING. Those relationships are fun, but not INTENTIONAL. There is so much more to us, if people take the time to look inside. Make that a requirement -- you'll be glad you did.
You want to know who you really are? Look at the folks you call friends. Jackie Caine, Tasha Jackson, Jocelyne Jones, Betty Hart, Shameeka Shy Ayers, V. Keith Jones, and Kevin Judge are my friends (for richer, for poorer) -- they don't take my mess and they listen with Godly love. I trust them with my life, not because of who they are, but because of who God is through them. You don't have to speak to or see friends all the time, but they are always there. Recognize who your friends are today.
This is Day 4 of our year-long adventure and I must say I'm having a great time. Now... many singles don't know what friendship looks like because we have never experienced friendship. When your earliest memories are of betrayal, by parents and close family or even childhood friends, sometimes this may lead to reclusive living or allowing "anyone" to latch on to us. The problem with this is that if we can not recognize friends, many of our encounters will be superficial at best.
Every facet of our lives requires decisions and intention. Why am I doing this? Why is this person in my life? Where do I hope to be in 2 years, 5 years, etc.? Who are my "friends"? Exodus 33:11 tells us that the Lord spoke to Moses "face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." IMPORTANT: Friends speak to you face to face. Truthfully, friendship is very delicate and intricate. Developing one requires patience, honesty, transparency (over time) and love -- Godly love. When we have questionable character, it is difficult, but not impossible to be a friend. If we want to have friends, then it is necessary for us to become friend material.
Sure it's fun and somewhat fulfilling to grab lunch with someone , catch a movie with someone or go to a sporting event with someone. But this doesn't make someone a friend -- companion, yes, acquaintance, yes, associate or peer, yes. Friendship is a very valuable commodity. And true friendship is cherished for a lifetime. True friends will NEVER kill your dreams. They will recognize your fire, your passion and even your calling and be sensitive to it. Even if friends do not understand your journey, they will stand with you, trusting the person with whom they have been mutually patient, honest, transparent and experienced love. A friend will celebrate your joys and experience your pains, just as much, if not more than you do.
Does this mean that the people of questionable character in your life should be cast out? Nope. Some can learn to be friends, by our example. You will see that as you know what to look for in friends and become a better one, the "not-so-much" friends will gradually go their own way. See the "not-so's" don't want honesty, they just want you to agree with them and their questionable behavior and inappropriate life choices. If you are doing this, you are not being a friend. Lots of times when people tell you that they are involved in something inappropriate, they are hoping that you will "talk them down". Use wisdom, kindness and discretion, but BE A FRIEND.
When you learn how to pick better friends and be a better friend, this will contribute to other life successes. You'll look for integrity in your work environment, you'll be conscious of your image and who you associate with. Finally, you will marry someone who is your FRIEND -- Someone who wants to know YOU, from the inside out, not in the opposite direction. We have to refuse to waste time with people in general who are only interested in our CANDY COATING. Those relationships are fun, but not INTENTIONAL. There is so much more to us, if people take the time to look inside. Make that a requirement -- you'll be glad you did.
You want to know who you really are? Look at the folks you call friends. Jackie Caine, Tasha Jackson, Jocelyne Jones, Betty Hart, Shameeka Shy Ayers, V. Keith Jones, and Kevin Judge are my friends (for richer, for poorer) -- they don't take my mess and they listen with Godly love. I trust them with my life, not because of who they are, but because of who God is through them. You don't have to speak to or see friends all the time, but they are always there. Recognize who your friends are today.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The "Decision" to Heal
Good day all. Welcome to Day 3 of victorious singleness.
Today's post comes pretty easy, because it's based on my own experiences. I must say that I was preparing to post this since yesterday, especially after reading a Facebook status of a very dear friend. She was talking about preachers who criticize other ministries from the pulpit. My comment to this is that there are many wounded people "ministering" through their wounds. And this is not limited to preachers, just as ministry is not limited to pulpiteers.
We minister (share the love of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ) as believers with everyone in our lives and if we are wounded, our efforts are not nearly as effective and can, in fact, be very harmful. No matter how hard we try to cover and camouflage our woundedness, it comes out in one form or another. We must make the "decision" that we will seek and achieve healing for the sake of those we say we love and those we will attempt to love in the future.
Wounded parents, wound their children -- very often unintentionally. Wounded friends, hurt other friends -- but we have to KNOW that we are wounded and therein lies the biggest dilemma. When we do not know we are wounded, we assume that everything negative that occurs in our lives and those we've touched, is someone else's fault or someone else's problem. We become victims and teach victimization to those in our care. This is more dangerous than a bullet through the heart, because it has a domino effect that can last a lifetime and cause us only to have superficial, surface relationships. Only those who are as wounded as we are or so desperate to have a connection that they just accept our wounds and join in, are able to stay in our circle. We only attract wounded people and chase away the healthy.
Having experienced abuse in my childhood, I worked feverishly to not be "that" person. Always trying to please, do the "right" thing. And when it came down, it almost destroyed me -- but God. Having to stop everything, gave me a chance to really see how wounded I was and for the sake of all those God had placed and would place in my life, as well as for the sake of the fulfillment of God's purpose for MY life, I had to get healed. The only way that I could be healed was to turn to the Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Not being "super-spiritual" -- by turning to the Healer, I mean that I had to acknowledge that I had unmet needs, unresolved issues, and unhealed hurts (thanks Carolyn Driver!), then ALLOW God to show me the path to healing. God began to bring people in my life, like my professors at Beulah Heights University, that taught me how to be healthy and subsequently a better mom, friend, minister... Why??? Because once we are healed, we become the truth that we seek and we begin to serve healthy "food" that changes lives. Not just rhetoric and repeating stuff that we've heard, but genuine truth, our truth.
When we are living life from a genuine place, it becomes less difficult to forgive and restore those who have hurt us. We don't even care WHY they hurt us, we just know that they need to see what forgiveness looks like. That ACTION, however it is played out in your life, will be seed sown in fertile ground. Being healthy also helps you recognize those who are healed and leads you to make more conscious decisions about who should be in your life, for how long and to what degree. Being healed opens our spirits to received direction, since we are no longer clogged with the pain of our past. Being healed helps us to share pure, untainted love -- Godly love that does not REQUIRE that those around us perform in order to receive it.
Make a commitment to search your heart and memory for "the pain". Be silent and ask God, not only to show you the pain, but also to guide you to forgiveness and healing. If we are constantly knee-deep in criticism of ourselves and others and it comes out in our walk and daily talk -- our wounds are showing. Get healed -- DECIDE to be healed -- PURE LOVE is waiting.
Today's post comes pretty easy, because it's based on my own experiences. I must say that I was preparing to post this since yesterday, especially after reading a Facebook status of a very dear friend. She was talking about preachers who criticize other ministries from the pulpit. My comment to this is that there are many wounded people "ministering" through their wounds. And this is not limited to preachers, just as ministry is not limited to pulpiteers.
We minister (share the love of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ) as believers with everyone in our lives and if we are wounded, our efforts are not nearly as effective and can, in fact, be very harmful. No matter how hard we try to cover and camouflage our woundedness, it comes out in one form or another. We must make the "decision" that we will seek and achieve healing for the sake of those we say we love and those we will attempt to love in the future.
Wounded parents, wound their children -- very often unintentionally. Wounded friends, hurt other friends -- but we have to KNOW that we are wounded and therein lies the biggest dilemma. When we do not know we are wounded, we assume that everything negative that occurs in our lives and those we've touched, is someone else's fault or someone else's problem. We become victims and teach victimization to those in our care. This is more dangerous than a bullet through the heart, because it has a domino effect that can last a lifetime and cause us only to have superficial, surface relationships. Only those who are as wounded as we are or so desperate to have a connection that they just accept our wounds and join in, are able to stay in our circle. We only attract wounded people and chase away the healthy.
Having experienced abuse in my childhood, I worked feverishly to not be "that" person. Always trying to please, do the "right" thing. And when it came down, it almost destroyed me -- but God. Having to stop everything, gave me a chance to really see how wounded I was and for the sake of all those God had placed and would place in my life, as well as for the sake of the fulfillment of God's purpose for MY life, I had to get healed. The only way that I could be healed was to turn to the Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Not being "super-spiritual" -- by turning to the Healer, I mean that I had to acknowledge that I had unmet needs, unresolved issues, and unhealed hurts (thanks Carolyn Driver!), then ALLOW God to show me the path to healing. God began to bring people in my life, like my professors at Beulah Heights University, that taught me how to be healthy and subsequently a better mom, friend, minister... Why??? Because once we are healed, we become the truth that we seek and we begin to serve healthy "food" that changes lives. Not just rhetoric and repeating stuff that we've heard, but genuine truth, our truth.
When we are living life from a genuine place, it becomes less difficult to forgive and restore those who have hurt us. We don't even care WHY they hurt us, we just know that they need to see what forgiveness looks like. That ACTION, however it is played out in your life, will be seed sown in fertile ground. Being healthy also helps you recognize those who are healed and leads you to make more conscious decisions about who should be in your life, for how long and to what degree. Being healed opens our spirits to received direction, since we are no longer clogged with the pain of our past. Being healed helps us to share pure, untainted love -- Godly love that does not REQUIRE that those around us perform in order to receive it.
Make a commitment to search your heart and memory for "the pain". Be silent and ask God, not only to show you the pain, but also to guide you to forgiveness and healing. If we are constantly knee-deep in criticism of ourselves and others and it comes out in our walk and daily talk -- our wounds are showing. Get healed -- DECIDE to be healed -- PURE LOVE is waiting.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Who Is The Real "Devourer"?
Good day all. This is Day 2 of our adventure and I'm going back into the office today to tie up final lose ends for the year. Ultimately, I plan to be independently wealthy in the next 4-6 years, but in the mean time, I, like many of my single and married buddies, have to do what I have to do, until I can do what I really love. C'est la vie.
Over the past year I've been pondering off and on, something that was revealed to me in my prayer time a few years ago, when I had a job making barely liveable wages. I was crying uncontrollably, reminding God that He said in His word that He would "Rebuke the devourer for my sake" (Malachi 3:11). And I heard back from Him in my spirit, loud and clear, as if I was in some sort of echo chamber, "You are the devourer of your finances." I stopped crying immediately and sat down on the couch, stunned by this truth.
In hindsight, I guess I could have said, "Wow God - I'm making little to nothing, can barely pay my mortgage, and I'm eating, but nothing fancy and certainly not eating out or enjoying anything extracurricular -- but I'm the devourer???" I didn't say that, because I knew that what God said was the absolute truth. A series of bad career and other financial choices had landed me in my "then" circumstances, but I had many great financial opportunities. Immaturity is very costly.
Immaturity in life choices (friends, family, dating, marriage...) is bad enough, but immaturity in financial planning can cause a "snow ball" and eventual avalanche that can affect every area of our lives. So... it is imperative that we first recognize that we may well be that "devourer" of our finances and if that is true, change it.
No matter how much you make, you can make changes to your life to improve your financial circumstances. Start by educating yourself and developing a plan. I have several friends and colleagues who jetset around the planet living it up because they think that since they are making six-figures today that they'll never have to worry about money. Even if you never plan to marry or add to your family -- current circumstances are not guaranteed. "Stuff" happens. My former pastor once said that he knows that a family can live off one salary, because single parents do it all the time. But even as single parents, we can "Google" or "bing" a budget and financial planning template and begin today improving our lives and increasing our financial security. Even if you know that you had plans for the paycheck that is coming -- start today.
I paid a small fortune for a budget and financial planning program a few years ago and after reading through it, I realized that the principles were so simple, that I could have kept my money -- so I learned the principles and sold the program on eBay. I also bought a book about a year ago, You're Broke Because You Want To Be, by Larry Winget - one of my FBFs. If you want to get out of debt, save better for your future (an inheritance) and still intelligently plan your leisure and social life -- get that book. There are others that I have read that were helpful too.
Finally -- if you don't like how much you make -- make some changes. Take classes, consider a career change, start that business -- once you've gotten educated, that is -- but do something. Remember "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:20)-- Soooo... start working your faith - TODAY.
Over the past year I've been pondering off and on, something that was revealed to me in my prayer time a few years ago, when I had a job making barely liveable wages. I was crying uncontrollably, reminding God that He said in His word that He would "Rebuke the devourer for my sake" (Malachi 3:11). And I heard back from Him in my spirit, loud and clear, as if I was in some sort of echo chamber, "You are the devourer of your finances." I stopped crying immediately and sat down on the couch, stunned by this truth.
In hindsight, I guess I could have said, "Wow God - I'm making little to nothing, can barely pay my mortgage, and I'm eating, but nothing fancy and certainly not eating out or enjoying anything extracurricular -- but I'm the devourer???" I didn't say that, because I knew that what God said was the absolute truth. A series of bad career and other financial choices had landed me in my "then" circumstances, but I had many great financial opportunities. Immaturity is very costly.
Immaturity in life choices (friends, family, dating, marriage...) is bad enough, but immaturity in financial planning can cause a "snow ball" and eventual avalanche that can affect every area of our lives. So... it is imperative that we first recognize that we may well be that "devourer" of our finances and if that is true, change it.
No matter how much you make, you can make changes to your life to improve your financial circumstances. Start by educating yourself and developing a plan. I have several friends and colleagues who jetset around the planet living it up because they think that since they are making six-figures today that they'll never have to worry about money. Even if you never plan to marry or add to your family -- current circumstances are not guaranteed. "Stuff" happens. My former pastor once said that he knows that a family can live off one salary, because single parents do it all the time. But even as single parents, we can "Google" or "bing" a budget and financial planning template and begin today improving our lives and increasing our financial security. Even if you know that you had plans for the paycheck that is coming -- start today.
I paid a small fortune for a budget and financial planning program a few years ago and after reading through it, I realized that the principles were so simple, that I could have kept my money -- so I learned the principles and sold the program on eBay. I also bought a book about a year ago, You're Broke Because You Want To Be, by Larry Winget - one of my FBFs. If you want to get out of debt, save better for your future (an inheritance) and still intelligently plan your leisure and social life -- get that book. There are others that I have read that were helpful too.
Finally -- if you don't like how much you make -- make some changes. Take classes, consider a career change, start that business -- once you've gotten educated, that is -- but do something. Remember "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:20)-- Soooo... start working your faith - TODAY.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Death of the Resolution
Ok all. First step toward victory requires that we all give up procrastination. Every year, beginning as early as September/October, we start the mental preparation toward a new life-changing activity, ritual, change of habit... We'll begin a physical fitness regiment, we'll change our eating habits, we'll give up coffee, pork or red meat, alcohol, cigarrettes, a horrible boyfriend/girlfriend, crazy BFF... We'll find a new job, start taking classes, try to have a baby, blah, blah, blah...
If we are not willing to at least begin the process today, this moment, it is highly likely that the resolution that will begin "tomorrow" will be very short-lived. Honesty with ourselves means that we know that we have a propensity toward the dramatic and/or false promises. If we are horrible at keeping our promises to ourselves, it becomes all the more difficult to keep promises to others. Charity begins at home.
We must begin small -- Planning to take a class? - read a book or two. Thinking about getting pregnant? - spend time with a child at church or in your family -- make sure it's a kid you already like. Start reading up on the newest ways to stop smoking and pick something today. Start looking at your career change options and formulate a plan. As far as the crazy friend -- stop faking like you want to be around them, if the relationship is unhealthy. Don't be mean or angry about it, just focus on the healthy relationships. As for horrible boyfriend/girlfriend -- GEEEET OOOUT! ...and start rebuilding your emotional/mental/spiritual health.
So now we eulogize the NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust - You came from nothing and to nothing you return. We can no longer afford to allow you to enable our "wobbly legged" commitments. If we start weak, we end weaker and more defeated. Good bye New Year's Resolution -- our new life plan begins right now.
If we are not willing to at least begin the process today, this moment, it is highly likely that the resolution that will begin "tomorrow" will be very short-lived. Honesty with ourselves means that we know that we have a propensity toward the dramatic and/or false promises. If we are horrible at keeping our promises to ourselves, it becomes all the more difficult to keep promises to others. Charity begins at home.
We must begin small -- Planning to take a class? - read a book or two. Thinking about getting pregnant? - spend time with a child at church or in your family -- make sure it's a kid you already like. Start reading up on the newest ways to stop smoking and pick something today. Start looking at your career change options and formulate a plan. As far as the crazy friend -- stop faking like you want to be around them, if the relationship is unhealthy. Don't be mean or angry about it, just focus on the healthy relationships. As for horrible boyfriend/girlfriend -- GEEEET OOOUT! ...and start rebuilding your emotional/mental/spiritual health.
So now we eulogize the NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust - You came from nothing and to nothing you return. We can no longer afford to allow you to enable our "wobbly legged" commitments. If we start weak, we end weaker and more defeated. Good bye New Year's Resolution -- our new life plan begins right now.
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